UnTold

 I had left writing and I thought i will not start writing but some nights when you can’t sleep i guess its the best way to spend the night. Trust me it helps me to find peace for the moment.

Whole life(till now) i regretted for being born in this family and brought up in environment that none can ever imagine. I won’t deny that mine childhood didn’t go through domestic violence environment. Childhood background went through very rough phase. I hardly remember my childhood freedom days where a child can enjoy and have fun. Its not that these days am living with the past, but sometime i wake-up in middle of night with some scream on ears. Its long time back, which i can never forget coz its the fact, none can even imagine or feel whatever i have gone through. I don’t know even myself how i am able to hold on all these and keep me controlled. Gone through a lot, making me strong enough to kill some part of me.

Under strict orders n rule to follow for each n every work to be done. Explanation had to be given for whatever circumstance goes through. Broken rules means a bigger punishment. The daily routine for school, college and work even, nothing other than that. Having no choice rather to follow rules, because punishment weren’t ordinary & the worst part is in-front of people around. The child who suffered a lot, none to say and nowhere to speak out for himself, punishment are given but those type of punishment, none deserves.

Its me, my life has gone through these type of many rough situation which none can even think of. Telling everyone and sharing my story here, doesn’t mean people to show me sympathy but it makes me feel better once i write it. Not so simple as you think and not so easy from the place i have come from. So, i always kept quite and kept the pain within myself, because I knew none would either understand me or would help me to get through my pain. I never expect people’s sympathy after listening to me. So i would stay away from people. Been through hell…
I won’t say that i didn’t get the care and point of attraction from my parents, but its wasn’t the way a child would want whenever needed. I never was asked what i WANT, NEED & FELT. I was always taught to obey & follow the rules. AND then here comes ME; the view and definition are different with situation; compliment and critics for the way people define me as WEIRD; a perfect definition.

After i completed my studies & started doing job, I got little space for myself. In these few years phase of my life, I was close through several people. Significantly thoughts were changing, after all everyone can’t be like me. I started trusting people and prioritize them. But, in one or other-way I always failed to maintain a bond with people around me. I wouldn’t blame anyone rather than myself, because might be i expected from people little too much. Sooner or later i came through the different faces of people and about their natures, expectation and demands, which took me a little time to notice. Until i could and had I SACRIFICED N COMPROMISE MANY TIMES FOR PEOPLE AROUND ME but now its mine time; never too late for a start. I don’t know how it started, I guess the same old story– expecting too much, oh well, fuck that. I’m the only one responsible for my life yesterday, today and tomorrow. And I am the one who needs to take action to complete my needs and wants.
There are a lot of ways to keep my life the way I want it, but in long term I know very well what I want 

– I want success, I want money. And I can’t gain that by working at my current job or just crying for having nothing.

Of course I can’t deny that I have changed due to recent events in my life, but I can’t let myself to fall for the shallow life of people who only care about themselves…. I don’t think I should be focusing on future all the time, but how does it makes me cool? How does being busy makes me cool? I somehow started believing it is. And so what if it does? I’m not going for ‘cool’, I’m going for “money”.