It’s never your enemies...

"It’s never your enemies that get you. It’s always your own people

The ones you hate don’t have the power to hurt you. I know I’ve always said everything depending on the way I have observed, but sometimes you don’t really get options. See, I never thought I’d be acting weird, I know, but I’m tired of acting as if I was fine. I CAN’T LIE TO MYSELF ANYMORE. “It is very difficult to make me mad” – I always say, but it’s really not that hard these days… because no matter what I do, others seem to know better. No matter what I say, others seem to have heard something else therefore I choose to take my journey of life alone. It may be wrong but I was proven one more time that the only person you can really trust is you yourself.  See the weirdest part is being mad at people for doing what they are doing to you when you hate yourself deeply for the exact same thing you’ve done. So what if it is my biggest regret of all? So what if I have never felt this guilty for anything? So what? I did it. I am a jerk, i know. At least I have the guts to admit it.

Stay true to yourself because there are very few people who will stay true to you.

See, I hate drama, I really can’t stand it at all, so I’ve stopped contacting people who bring that in my life. And right now I’m scared for my life. I’m scared from the person I’ve become – someone who isn’t himself, someone who doesn’t take life seriously AT ALL, someone who does stuff to regret with all my heart later, this feeling of emptiness and sorrow…. I hate myself more than I hate people who are trying to ruin my life actually. Because a friend of mine said: “the only person who can ruin your life is you yourself”, and was right. I was denying it though…. but I just don’t see a point of anything anymore. 

My life is so fucked up again…. more than ever perhaps… I’m in the middle of drama I m trying to avoid. See, there is a difference between when realizing your life has been ruined and when you have ruined your own life. And let me just tell you that I am feeling nothing right now. Nothing at all. Neither regret nor disappointment in myself. And that is the worst part. I can act I don’t care about people around me what others say or do, but I can’t deny I’ve ruined my own life, my own feelings & relationship. I’m the only cause for all of my problems and long time issues. I can accuse whoever I want for my problems but in the end I should have known better than trusting people who don’t care anyways. And why should they? In the end life always is about saving yourself… Apart in the movie ‘titanic’, where hero saves the gal, but in real life, you don’t really think about who you’re leaving behind on the sinking ship… you don’t think about what you meant to them… you don’t think about what they would have done and actually DID for you, do you? And so on, disappointment after disappointment you eventually end up alone and lonely.

Despite the desperate attempts to be angry at others, I end up feeling sorry for myself… sorry for miserable life… life where drama is the way to tell people what you think… where people are worried about themselves only.