MOTHER

I wanted to write something really cute about mine mother, MOMS.

I exactly don’t recall since when I started calling MoMs, initially she used to get very angry when I called her that but slowly she got used to it. I know she can’t read this stuff but still I don’t’ mind writing, and also I write because I don’t want her to know few things written here.

As far as I can remember mine childhood, though I don’t remember much, but mine moms used to be tough on us. My moms at first place is uneducated but from heart she’s fully educated in matter of relationship n feelings. She can never say ‘NO’ to help anyone even if the person she doesn’t know. She even doesn’t try to know. She’s always helpful to all, might b that’s the best part I love about her and I always have that influence; Never say ‘NO’. I am proud of her, she helps all the needful people in our society. Oh one more thing, she’s very very religious & superstitious. She gets up early in the morning at 4 am and until 7 am she’s busy in Puja Room; worshiping god. She never eats outside; only cooked from our family members. We always have discussion in this matter n interesting thing, she still wins, and I love to lose.

Serve the needful, leave everything on God, whenever help needed GOD is always there…

She still lives in the old ages life, her life hasn’t become smarter and advance. So whenever I have to talk to her, I have to call her on landline phone at home. She doesn’t know how to dial mine number and has to wait for father or mine brother to contact me. I know its just phone call away but sometime it takes days, weeks & even months to be in touch. But when I call her, I say I am fine and then she has a lot to talk about our house, domestic animals, neighbors etc. Though she knows I don’t like talking too much but she keeps talking and talking I just keep the mobile on loudspeaker and listen, do I have a choice. At last she will be the one to say that not to spend too much money on mobile calling home.

I am not good with people’s feelings and I don’t care much about. I can ignore people just in a flip of a switch.

Due to mine rough childhood, I am not emotionally attached with people around me. I am not good with people’s feelings and I don’t care much about. If am hurt or angry then I can ignore anyone just like a flip of a switch on and off, but when it comes about mine moms, things doesn’t go my way however strong I might be. Even though I meet her once in a year but still I have nothing much to say the first I see her.

As any other child I also wanted freedom, having mine own way to live life and always awaited for the moment until I got an opportunity to do job in India. I thought mine days had come and I had good time enjoying mine freedom far away from home. Since then till now I am away from home though in few months or a year I meet her. I am quite often not so good even in relationship with my mother though I respect her a lot. Well that’s not the problem that I don’t give importance to her. I always admire my moms, for whatever the moment i spend with her though m not so often close to her. Sometime rude(rarely), sweet, angry n quite often irritating her and funniest of all when I used to cleat her long hair; i enjoy… We still use wood and gas too to cook food and little smoke makes me suffocate, still I sometime enter kitchen just to help her while cooking… But me going abroad made me cook dishes in a better way. It’s been nearly a year I haven’t met her. We never use onion and garlic while cooking, but despite that food looks tasty and I always say its tasty but the fact is I like outside food (other’s home cooked food). I have never told her that food cooked at home isn’t as tasty, because I don’t want to disappoint her.

I don’t smoke due to suffocation, but I sometime drink, I don’t know if she knows.

It would be unfair just to say I don’t miss mom’s hand cooked food, especially roti n kaadhi (yougurt made). She makes only for me, even though none of the family members likes it… I am not that ‘live to eat’ type of guy so I eat whatever given either my favorite or not… Life is full of ups and down. She is getting old day by days, having hearing problem, becoming toothless, cracked feet, diabetic & low blood pressure but despite all she is always busy with her household works. She is very careless about her health, must say I am her son so I guess I have that too. Sometimes I wake in middle of night and makes me worry that while am not with her and something bad happens. For everyone their mom is the best mom in the world but for me she’s a woman whom I am blessed to have in mine life for her unconditional love and care and all her sacrifice. She has done a lot for me of what I am today. She still has a part for all I am & I owe to my mother. I attribute all my success in life to the moral I received from her.

Actually bhanne kura haru ta dherai tiye tara maan ka kura maan mai rakhnu bes hola.. sayad yesai ma mero faida cha… love u n miss you, MOMS!!!

It’s never your enemies...

"It’s never your enemies that get you. It’s always your own people

The ones you hate don’t have the power to hurt you. I know I’ve always said everything depending on the way I have observed, but sometimes you don’t really get options. See, I never thought I’d be acting weird, I know, but I’m tired of acting as if I was fine. I CAN’T LIE TO MYSELF ANYMORE. “It is very difficult to make me mad” – I always say, but it’s really not that hard these days… because no matter what I do, others seem to know better. No matter what I say, others seem to have heard something else therefore I choose to take my journey of life alone. It may be wrong but I was proven one more time that the only person you can really trust is you yourself.  See the weirdest part is being mad at people for doing what they are doing to you when you hate yourself deeply for the exact same thing you’ve done. So what if it is my biggest regret of all? So what if I have never felt this guilty for anything? So what? I did it. I am a jerk, i know. At least I have the guts to admit it.

Stay true to yourself because there are very few people who will stay true to you.

See, I hate drama, I really can’t stand it at all, so I’ve stopped contacting people who bring that in my life. And right now I’m scared for my life. I’m scared from the person I’ve become – someone who isn’t himself, someone who doesn’t take life seriously AT ALL, someone who does stuff to regret with all my heart later, this feeling of emptiness and sorrow…. I hate myself more than I hate people who are trying to ruin my life actually. Because a friend of mine said: “the only person who can ruin your life is you yourself”, and was right. I was denying it though…. but I just don’t see a point of anything anymore. 

My life is so fucked up again…. more than ever perhaps… I’m in the middle of drama I m trying to avoid. See, there is a difference between when realizing your life has been ruined and when you have ruined your own life. And let me just tell you that I am feeling nothing right now. Nothing at all. Neither regret nor disappointment in myself. And that is the worst part. I can act I don’t care about people around me what others say or do, but I can’t deny I’ve ruined my own life, my own feelings & relationship. I’m the only cause for all of my problems and long time issues. I can accuse whoever I want for my problems but in the end I should have known better than trusting people who don’t care anyways. And why should they? In the end life always is about saving yourself… Apart in the movie ‘titanic’, where hero saves the gal, but in real life, you don’t really think about who you’re leaving behind on the sinking ship… you don’t think about what you meant to them… you don’t think about what they would have done and actually DID for you, do you? And so on, disappointment after disappointment you eventually end up alone and lonely.

Despite the desperate attempts to be angry at others, I end up feeling sorry for myself… sorry for miserable life… life where drama is the way to tell people what you think… where people are worried about themselves only.

Politics

Since the Local Government Election is around the clock and then the Parliament Election …that burns me from inside; Our political leaders so called parliament members are doing nothing rather than talking big.

So called the political leaders shameless and helpless doing nothing &  just bragging about other political party and leaders, and What am I really doing? I say very proudly, Bir Gorkhali ko Choro (Son), a NEPALI, but am I? And if I am then why don’t I feel NEPALI today. Why do I feel like I am just like any other shallow teenager who just shows he cares about his country. Because if he would, he wouldn’t be sitting mum. He would do something about it. Wouldn’t he? but I am doing nothing. I feel sick. What can I do for my nation? 

Everyone knows the only NATION never ruled by any other country and so proud of this Independence. We have made our country proud for our bravery and our sincerity.  Served in WAR & even FOR PEACE-KEEPING acting with UNO around the world in different Civil War Country. Though i m not much interested in politics as i leave on the politicians. But that doesn’t mean i’ll just sit quiet and look on whatever direction my country is heading towards. We have fought for the Democracy and recently for the Independence so called now the REPUBLIC. The rage that burned me and all the people was beyond words… recently, while i was also one of those who walked on the road for the REPUBLIC.  The years long King’s Dynasty was withdrawn from throne along promising the politicians to create a NEW CONSTITUTION to provide peace to the Citizens of NEPAL.

…the only HINDU nation now Republic Country…

Our Late King Prithivi Narayan Shah Dev along with brave soldiers fought lots of war to Unite this Nation into 1. But now utilizing the word REPUBLIC, elected so called SHAMELESS POLITICIANS(Parliament Members)  divided the country into seven different state-religion wise. I don’t understand YYYYYY?????

IF POSSIBLE: I wish to shot all these corrupt politicians, but I guess wouldn’t be a permanent solution.

I don’t want people to have orthodox stunk thinking; thinking about their state first and then their country, as like in our neighbour country. I just want our new constitution to provide peace in NATION and entitle each person to stay in any part of our country with RESPECT.

NEPAL. My NEPAL. My country. “MY” people. Then why not my struggle? Why not my fight? Why not MY initiative?

I remember it far so well, the rage; where is that fire now? Why don’t I even see the smoke? The passion to do something for the nation which should be there in every individual is so far missing. There are more than two crore people in Nepal. If each one of us start caring for just ourselves, and no one else, would their be a NATION at all? While a man starves till death on the streets, eating half meal; Politicians enjoy luxuries everyday life. And we? We are busy with our daily life, job, family, watching TV(news). Poverty, illiteracy, hunger, unemployment, corruption and the likes are eating the very foundation of this already crippled country. And what do we do? We relax in our home and creep on politicians. Half of today's generation are abroad either for permanent residence or for family 's good future. 

Showing frustration on social media doesn't help unless you start from yourself for a better start. 

Everyone has the same tone saying 'Nothing is possible in NEPAL' . I seriously dont know whom to blame, Us who elected the politicians expecting for better future or the Politicians whoever wins does nothing else than false hope. Until we the young generation wake up and clean the dirty politics, NOTHING is gonna last forever. 

Today's generation incase in abroad country would say I love Nepal and post some pics with National Flag thinking their responsibility is over for their motherland. I am disappointed in myself as well as my country-men today, as from where I stand, I see not a country but a cluster of people- least bothered , uninterested and unhappy.

And am just writing here and I am made to believe that if a change has to come, WE have to bring it. Get out on the road and stand for until these shameless parliament members don’t give up and make a new NEPAL ; As Promised. For your future!!For your country!!!

…whatever above but ALL i EXPECT from politicians is not to let ME down for my country coz my motherland always first; MY NEPAL,  MY PRIDE!!!

JAI NEPAL!!! 

My Pet

 I was recently watching a crime based TV series. about a Detective who solves crime with the help of his Supersmart Dog. So why write something about mine own super-smart boy. I love coming home – whether after several weeks or five minutes – and having my “boy” run to greet me. My dog smiles brightly as his tail wags a mile a minute, jumps right into my arms and climbs upto my shoulders. Having to sense me, my voice from miles apart. Even though most of the time being tied and left alone, when I return home, he is the happiest! He’ll jump all over me, lick your face wet and sticky and sometimes, even bark out of joy.

Never have anything to say, but maybe that’s exactly why we love him so much.
He  won’t yell at me…he won’t NOT talk to me because he’s left alone all by himself… He wouldn’t even sulk…

I’ve always had pet and can’t imagine life without. The kind souls love you unconditionally, are grateful for every moment of your time, and have the uncanny ability to brighten the worst of days. We fell in love with him instantly. He’s gorgeous and has the most wonderful disposition. He eats veg & non-veg both and has never learned a single trick(little trained by myself), other than taking care of the whole house(including cattle).

My mom has been dying for a “hybrid dog” for years and he finally showed up one day. I came to know through my friend that a friend had few puppy in his house and we offered to adopt one of them. He is as affectionate as can be, loves playing football, jumping over the bed & sofa, cuddling under the sheets, and racing to be the first with me.

Though leave him locked up all day in the house, he shows selfless love which is unconditional. There’s no doubt about this that it’s the most faithful and loyal creature around. But this also remains a fact that, he loves you regardless of who you are and what you are as a person. As long as you love him, he’ll love you back. Even if you yell at him, he’ll come running to you at the slightest hint of softness in your voice. If you don’t feed him on time, he’ll never complain. If you are upset, he’ll sit right next to you and hear you out. If you cry, he’ll lick your tears away. If you want a companion for early morning walks, he’ll be at the door before you even tie your shoelaces. If you sleep with the doors open, he’ll be up all night, staying on guard.

 
Owen. Nickname: Monkey Boy. He loves climbing as high as possible, in attempts to attack (jump over) me. He come flying from across the house when he hears a door open, in hopes of venturing outside; however, when he does get out, he just stands there, waiting for any member of the house to go along with him. Owen is a risk-taking adventurer, but he balances it with heavy doses of affection. He enjoys sprawling across the table(especially when someone is working), watching people across through the window, tackling with small child, eating and then knocking over houseplants, and climbing on people’s shoulders, heads, and backs.
And most importantly, do NOT adopt a pet if you have to hit him to make him do something for you. What would you do if someone you love hits you every time  you are given a piece of work?
I absolutely adore my pet! They can be naughty and troublesome at times –biting the cattle, those comes to our paddy field, whoever tries to run on the road, running after vehicles but they are so easy to forgive. I know that having pets has enhanced and continues to benefit my life. Pets are loving, loyal, trusting, forgiving, and really have so much to offer their humans. The whole locality feels secure at night when my Owen is awake. 

And don’t forget LOVE is the most important ingredient. Because love conquers all!
FOR YOU: Sorry couldn’t bid you my final farewell, before you left this world in my absence. I know you can’t read. But if you could you’d know that I really love you a lot. And if you could read, you would also know that I don’t make you sit on my lap so that you lick my face; All sticky & wet. But hey, I love you & Miss you a lot. May your soul rest in Peace. You’ll truly be remembered for ur loyalty, aggressive & mischievousness. Each moment i reach home, it’ll always remind me of your absence.

UnTold

 I had left writing and I thought i will not start writing but some nights when you can’t sleep i guess its the best way to spend the night. Trust me it helps me to find peace for the moment.

Whole life(till now) i regretted for being born in this family and brought up in environment that none can ever imagine. I won’t deny that mine childhood didn’t go through domestic violence environment. Childhood background went through very rough phase. I hardly remember my childhood freedom days where a child can enjoy and have fun. Its not that these days am living with the past, but sometime i wake-up in middle of night with some scream on ears. Its long time back, which i can never forget coz its the fact, none can even imagine or feel whatever i have gone through. I don’t know even myself how i am able to hold on all these and keep me controlled. Gone through a lot, making me strong enough to kill some part of me.

Under strict orders n rule to follow for each n every work to be done. Explanation had to be given for whatever circumstance goes through. Broken rules means a bigger punishment. The daily routine for school, college and work even, nothing other than that. Having no choice rather to follow rules, because punishment weren’t ordinary & the worst part is in-front of people around. The child who suffered a lot, none to say and nowhere to speak out for himself, punishment are given but those type of punishment, none deserves.

Its me, my life has gone through these type of many rough situation which none can even think of. Telling everyone and sharing my story here, doesn’t mean people to show me sympathy but it makes me feel better once i write it. Not so simple as you think and not so easy from the place i have come from. So, i always kept quite and kept the pain within myself, because I knew none would either understand me or would help me to get through my pain. I never expect people’s sympathy after listening to me. So i would stay away from people. Been through hell…
I won’t say that i didn’t get the care and point of attraction from my parents, but its wasn’t the way a child would want whenever needed. I never was asked what i WANT, NEED & FELT. I was always taught to obey & follow the rules. AND then here comes ME; the view and definition are different with situation; compliment and critics for the way people define me as WEIRD; a perfect definition.

After i completed my studies & started doing job, I got little space for myself. In these few years phase of my life, I was close through several people. Significantly thoughts were changing, after all everyone can’t be like me. I started trusting people and prioritize them. But, in one or other-way I always failed to maintain a bond with people around me. I wouldn’t blame anyone rather than myself, because might be i expected from people little too much. Sooner or later i came through the different faces of people and about their natures, expectation and demands, which took me a little time to notice. Until i could and had I SACRIFICED N COMPROMISE MANY TIMES FOR PEOPLE AROUND ME but now its mine time; never too late for a start. I don’t know how it started, I guess the same old story– expecting too much, oh well, fuck that. I’m the only one responsible for my life yesterday, today and tomorrow. And I am the one who needs to take action to complete my needs and wants.
There are a lot of ways to keep my life the way I want it, but in long term I know very well what I want 

– I want success, I want money. And I can’t gain that by working at my current job or just crying for having nothing.

Of course I can’t deny that I have changed due to recent events in my life, but I can’t let myself to fall for the shallow life of people who only care about themselves…. I don’t think I should be focusing on future all the time, but how does it makes me cool? How does being busy makes me cool? I somehow started believing it is. And so what if it does? I’m not going for ‘cool’, I’m going for “money”.

Last Post

 

Have been writing mine diary for long... but after long again started to post but now online...

i THOUGHT i UNDERSTOOD myself, BUT never did…

dherai lekiyo aafno bhawana haru yesh zindagi ko yatra bare… aaba bhane lekhna maan lagna chodeko cha…!!!

I do not consider myself as a writer, but within the past few years, I find myself dreaming of and thinking about writing freely whatever comes in mind.  Occasionally, I would grab my diary or mobile set and  start the process of writing down my thoughts- not to forget, sharing my expression and interactions with the world I am in. I have almost written many articles out of which only few article are published; my life experiences.

I never thought when i started to write that i would be at this point where never imagined i could write so much. 
Having done much of that in the past, I just stopped. I stopped writing freely. Though I did write at that time, my writings ranged from different sources, few were my own experiences & most of all were out of inspirations happening around mine life.. Lots of comments and opinion flows by, but comments hardly effects my thoughts on exposing myself and keep on writing in the way with so much emotions. But i always had an inspiration, out of which my friends always helped me in improving my language and vocabulary. I still think that I haven’t done much of the writing that I am in need of. What is this that I often speak of? It’s that kind of writing that allows me to express my connections with this world - - my opinion on certain issues, the emotions I feel/felt on a specific instance, a thought that crosses my mind.  Quite often makes the words to express what exactly goes in my mind which i can’t say.

I am scared that one day emotions might fade away from mine life.

After coming from a rough phase of life, where i wasn’t allowed to do or say of my own, allows me here to write freely, personally & creatively, all my thoughts in my way where i have no restriction and no boundaries. Yes, I was a trouble kid in my childhood and as far as i remember, i only remember a few. I hate to be emotionally attached with people, something always scares me, because of which i keep people away from me.

Loneliness helps me to keep myself calm and bring peace within.

Writing helped me go through mine worst nightmares of mine life. Loneliness isn't always the worst part, but it is when you are around people and none understands you. 
I have habit of forgetting things pretty quickly, can say memory loss. When i see those dairies, mine old days, how much grudges i could hold on people, whoever pissed me off. I must say I still hold grudge but not like before.
Now i live mine life own way so i have nothing to worry about with full on freedom which doesn't mean whatever I write wouldn't affect other people's feelings. For this reason i sometime use fictional emotions as well which brings life to mine story.
I know i am bad while interacting with people, despite full effort and good intentions, mine gesture, words and mine behavior doesn't support me. Whatever i have written till now surprises me that i had so much to tell people around me.

People write for different reasons, some for their dear ones, some for own way to express, some for passion, some to share their feelings, some for other, but I write not only for those whom I love and for the audience that I may or may not have, I write to express, to address, to de-stress, to digest, and the list goes on. Not to forget that i always have an inspiration to flush mine frustration.
I resolve to writing ultimately for myself, to keep my sanity intact and sometimes just to let loose and to let my imagination roam and for it to be lost and then found. But these days have been losing the interest in even writing also. I don’t think i’ll be writing for long….., so with thanking everyone who has been reading my blog, i wanna call it quit.  Time for some rest and starting to workout now in a different way. I can’t keep up writing about meaningless (yet emotionally important to me) things. I’ll be sure to post a few when i might be off out of being too emotional. Until then, hang in there!!!

 

naya barsa

Nepali New year, first thing special abt it is to celebrate and then think of a new resolution... an eve for every1 across the world to celebrate... A time what happened for the past and now time to look ahead to the coming year. We think its the moment the appropriate time for ourselves to make a new year resolution to start with freshment. Though m not the one who makes a resolution on a new year, not my type of way. Even though i went through many internet searches and came to a conclusion that the Babylonians were the inventors of the New Year's Resolution. They had a resolution to return something borrowed from a friend after a year that just passed. Wow!! what a good start, i must say... since then many people(country) across the globe followed the tradition and thought of the right moment to make a resolution on the start of New year.

Most people have a basic idea of what resolution they want to make but not even knowing where & how to begin. Some start trying to change everything all at once, does it really works??? Well in my view, it doesn't(exceptional part is also there)... It always depend on durable, decision are made in one second; yes/no... but to follow it, is the hardest of all. Though you know the procedure & consequences that's gonna directly or indirectly affect... Achievement itself isn't that easy to achieve until and unless you get through ups & down that comes on your way. Be determined and flow on your path there's no hurdle that can stop you from your goal.

People try changing their bad habits especially with a new year resolution, out of which only few people succeed. Quit or less smoke & drink, avoid the bad habits u have, changing urslf, or even try living with a new life are what people take as a resolution either not repeating the mistake or to achieve success. While we all see our long past 365 days back and remember what made us ashamed of ourselves, we try changing it with our new start of the year, living refreshed.

Hoping for the best to achieve whatever you think is the best through compromising with self, we make a New Year's Resolution. We give a start, bcoz the resolution comes from a determined decision and its surely an oath you stand for yourslf, if u afraid  and hesitate to start or worried of failure then you never gonna succeed & you'll surely lose your trust & faith on yourslf which will lead you to never taking any resolution ever in your life.

Besides the fact people making new resolution each year, there are people who just doesn't bother making one because they feel it will never resolve anything. I don't make resolution and i don't believe also, bcoz i don't let the moment to come for me to make a resolution. I change myself the moment needed, the moment i decide i always do it; don't need a start to start...

Would wanna say GOOD BYE to 2078 (Neither wanna REMEMBER Nor MENTION) through a series of lists -- showcasing the good and the ugly, the serious and the quirky -- in a commemorative way : Broken Dreams, Unfulfilled Wishes, Regrets & Hate...

Wishing everyone Good Luck on success of their New Year's Resolutions...